Changing Our Inner Code

It takes courage to face ourselves, in fact, it can be difficult and painful and to do the work of shifting our negative thoughts and behaviors and be extremely difficult. We might feel a little hopeless at times or like we don’t know where to begin.

You’re in the right place. And you’re right on time. You are right where you are meant to be!

Even if you’re feeling worn down by repetitive negative thoughts, it’s not too late to cultivate new positive and supportive ways of thinking. And considering that our thoughts usually determine our emotional state, new habits can bring about feeling greater contentment, peace, and joy as well. 

I remember one day I was feeling awful. I couldn’t even tell you why exactly, but I felt miserable. So I got curious and started looking inside for an answer to the pain I was feeling. I was surprised to find a mental loop repeating the thought “I don’t feel good,” over and over. 

No wonder why I wasn’t feeling good. My mind was focused on this thought, and the thought was guiding my experience. 

Here’s a clear example of this process:

If someone thinks that they are a failure, their body starts producing biochemicals that align with that thought, meaning emotions like sadness, disappointment, shame, and so on. These thoughts and emotions guide the person’s way of behaving. If you picture someone who feels like a failure, do you see them standing tall with their shoulders back, or hunched forward looking down?

If we think and feel like a failure, we behave like a failure. The way we move our bodies, the risks we don’t take, the ways we give up on ourselves before we’ve even begun something — 

thinking we are a failure ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What’s amazing about this is that it doesn’t mean that it’s true! Just because you feel like you’re failing, doesn’t mean you are a failure. It simply means you are thinking, feeling, and acting like one. It is not the truth of who you are. 

You are not your negative thoughts. They may feel like who you are, but they are an experience, changing, temporary. They come and go. 

So if these negative thoughts are not who you are, where do they come from?

Let’s start by looking at our biology. As human beings, we are wired for survival. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors were exposed to environmental threats like saber-toothed tigers and cave bears. Our ability to be aware of these threats helped us survive as a species.

This awareness of danger evolved into something called negativity bias. Negativity bias refers to our brain’s tendency to notice, learn from, and use negative information far more than it does positive information.

Even if we have many good experiences in one day, negativity bias causes the mind to focus on the one bad thing that happened. Simply put, your brain is hardwired to focus on the negative.

Now let’s get a little more personal.

Many of the negative thoughts we think are like a program: something we heard from our parents or caregivers, peers, or the media. In other words, many of the negative thoughts you have are learned behavior.

Let’s take a moment to explore this. I invite you to take out your journal and something to write with. Write down some of the familiar negative thoughts you have. They could be about you, other people, the world.

[Feel free to pause this recording if you need more time.]

Now look over your list, and see if you can recall hearing someone else speak like this during your childhood. 

• Did your mom ever say something like this?

• Your dad? 

• Grandparent?

• Friends?

Maybe you don’t remember someone saying the thoughts you wrote down, but you are aware of other negative thoughts that you recall hearing as a child. 

Becoming aware of this, we can consider that some, or even many, of the thoughts we think are not our own.

But what about the negative thoughts that really feel like our own? They might sound like:

• I’m not good enough.

• I’m ugly.

• I’m a failure.

• I’m too fat.

• I’m too skinny.

These thoughts are coming from a part of the psyche often referred to as the inner critic. The inner critic is this judgmental voice inside, criticizing our looks, behaviors, decisions, and so on. 

But believe it or not, the inner critic is not a bad guy. Although one might think, “I must really not like myself to have these kinds of thoughts,” the inner critic is actually rooted in self-preservation. Similar to negativity bias, it’s trying to keep us safe. Unfortunately, it’s like outdated software — it may have served a purpose at one point in our lives, but now it’s usually more detrimental than helpful.

Here are two examples that illustrate the workings of the inner critic. 

When I was a little girl, I was chubby. I turned to food for emotional comfort and was only so self-aware. One of the boys in my neighborhood called me fat and a cow. I felt very hurt and ashamed by what he said. That’s when my inner critic turned on. I started to have negative thoughts about my weight and how I looked. The functioning of the inner critic says, by thinking about myself in a hurtful way, I am less vulnerable to others judging me.

Another example of the inner critic trying to keep us safe that many of us can relate to is when it comes to taking risks. Maybe you gave a speech in seventh grade and the other kids made fun of you. Or maybe you tried something new and were heartbroken when you didn’t achieve what you wanted. In both of these examples, one is left with emotions like disappointment, sadness, anger, shame, and fear. 

So in an attempt to avoid that kind of pain again, the inner critic tries to keep you from taking risks or putting yourself out there by thinking thoughts like “You’re not good enough,” “You will fail,” “Nobody likes you.” 

Are you starting to see how the negative thoughts you think about yourself might be less about not liking yourself and more about your own mind trying to protect you?

I invite you to take out your journal again, and write at the top of the page:

Thoughts that might be here to protect me.

Take the next few moments to write down the negative thoughts you have toward yourself that might be there to keep you from experiencing more pain, loss, disappointment, and so on. 

[Feel free to pause this recording if you need more time.]

Great. How does it feel to consider that these thoughts might be an internal mechanism trying to keep you from experiencing pain? 

Now, on a fresh page in your journal, write down what becomes possible when you understand that these negative thoughts might actually be rooted in a deep care for yourself — maybe a little more peace, greater compassion for yourself, finding it a little easier to see your value and inherent worth.

And know that there is no right way to have this or any experience. Whatever is arising for you right now — thoughts, feelings, resistance — it’s all ok. Meaning this is a space where every part of you is welcome, the shadow and the light.

Wonderful. How was that? What do you feel inside?

I invite you to practice noticing the negative thoughts as they arise and then be curious. You may wish to set a silent alarm every hour to remind yourself to check in. Ask yourself: What is behind this thought? Fear? Exhaustion? Doubt? 

Can you practice meeting your mind with compassion? You might find that some of these thoughts feel like old friends who have been trying to get your attention for a long time.

Maybe what they’re really saying is, “I need you. Please listen to me. Please make decisions that respect and honor me.”

I also invite you to take some time to journal on the possible messages behind the negative thoughts you’re having. What are the deeper feelings? What part of you is asking for your support, love, attention, care? 

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The connection between our bodies and minds is far more powerful than we realize. Our thoughts influence our emotions, and our emotions impact our physical health. The mind-body connection ultimately determines the quality of our lives.

In fact, the mind-body connection is so strong that simply imagining a situation can cause our bodies to physically respond as if it is actually happening. We often see this in placebo studies. For example, in one study exploring how people reacted to migraine pain medication, participants were separated into two groups. One group took a migraine drug, and the other took a placebo. The researchers discovered that the placebo was 50% as effective as the real drug to reduce pain after a migraine attack.

Now, this may be the first time you’ve considered that your thoughts affect your emotional and physical well-being. If you grew up with sayings like “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” then this might even seem far-fetched.

But our words, thoughts, and emotions absolutely impact our physical health and well-being. Studies have shown that daily thoughts and feelings of hopelessness can create chronic stress and upset the body’s hormone balance, depleting the brain chemicals required for happiness and damaging the immune system. 

Negative thoughts can trigger many physiological responses — changes in blood pressure and heart rate, chemical alterations in the brain, chronic stress. 

But no need to worry. Positive thinking also impacts our physical health. One study from John Hopkins University states that there is a strong link between “positivity” and health, and that a positive attitude improves actual outcomes in our lives, as well as overall satisfaction.

Other studies on thinking and feeling gratitude show that daily gratitude practices can improve sleep, mood, and immunity as well as decrease depression, anxiety, difficulties with chronic pain, and risk of disease.

Let’s take a moment to explore the mind-body connection for ourselves. I invite you to sit comfortably, and close your eyes or just allow your gaze to be relaxed, looking downward.

Take a slow, deep breath in, exhale through the mouth. Inhale, slowly and deeply; exhale let out a sigh.

Remember a moment when you felt some mild agitation or upset, something that doesn’t feel too big, that feels manageable. Maybe you were annoyed by something your partner or coworker said. Or maybe something didn’t go the way you would have liked.

Notice how you feel in your body. You might sense some tension, tightness, heaviness.

Now take another deep, full breath in, really filling your belly with breath, and exhale with a sigh. Inhale deeply, exhale, and let the breath go.

Now bring to mind a time from your life when you felt immense joy or love or peace. Maybe it was a special moment like a wedding or the birth of a child. Or a magical moment at a meditation retreat, with a loved one, or simply in nature. Sometimes our memories hold mixed emotions, so think of a time that you only associate with uplifting feelings.

Remember this time in great detail. Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing? Were you smiling, laughing, in a moment of bliss? What could you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? How good did you feel inside?

Remember all of these details and feelings. Notice what you are feeling inside now. Is there lightness? Ease? Maybe even a sense of the joy or peace you are remembering?

Great. Let’s take another deep breath in and out. And slowly open the eyes if they’re closed. 

Did you notice a change from when you thought about something that was mildly upsetting and the uplifting memory you just recalled?

Only one thing that changed between these two experiences. You’re still sitting in the same place, so it can’t be that. You still have the same body. Your life circumstances are the same as they were 3 minutes ago.

The only thing that changed was your thinking. This is the power of your mind and an example of how your thoughts directly impact your emotions and even your physical well-being. I often remind myself of a powerful quote by spiritual teacher and author Byron Katie, who has changed my life.It says, “When I believed my thoughts, I suffered. When I didn’t believe my thoughts, I didn’t suffer.”

How often do we automatically believe our negative thoughts without any inquiry into whether or not they are even true?

Make a mental checkmark if you can relate to this: Someone didn’t do something that you expected them to, and you made up a whole story in your mind about why. The more you told yourself the story — or you could say thoughts about the situation — the more upset you felt. Maybe you felt sick to your stomach or developed a headache. Felt feelings of anger, sadness, or rejection. But then something happened, and you found out that the story you were telling yourself wasn’t true at all.

 Maybe you learned that they were late because of a family emergency or couldn’t do what they said they would because of something outside of their control. All of the judgments you were holding were no longer valid, and you realized that you made everything up in your mind.

We’ve all let our minds run wild at times, but have you ever really considered how much you were impacted by unchecked negative thinking?

The quality of your thoughts and emotions determine the quality of your life. And you have the power to consciously direct your mind. It may not be easy at first. The negative loops your mind gets caught in have probably been a habit for a long time. This means it will take time for new habits of positive thought to become established and feel more natural.

When you think a thought, a connection is made between two nerve cells, otherwise known as neurons. This creates what is called a neural pathway. Every time you think that same thought, the pathway becomes stronger.

Let’s think about it like this. An established pattern of negative thinking is like a path in the forest that you have walked a million times and is maintained regularly. The path is clear of overgrowth and branches, and you have walked it so many times that you could do it blindfolded.

On the flipside, when you introduce a new positive way of thinking it’s like walking into a forest where a path hasn’t been cleared. The first several times you walk in this new direction, you are literally creating a new path, clearing branches and bushes. But after some time and repetition, this path will become just as familiar as the other one. 

I invite you to take some time to simply sit and become aware of how your thoughts are making you feel. Are the thoughts you’re thinking causing rise to feelings of tension, contraction, or are they bringing about a sense of ease and upliftment?

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If you can’t move your body, or your ability to move is limited, there’s no problem; you can still do this work. Did you know that studies show if you visualize moving a part of the body, the brain responds as if it is actually moving? In addition to visualization, you can use the power of your breath and your voice to help shift negative thinking. If you are unable to move your body or parts of your body, I invite you to visualize your body moving for today’s lesson. 

To get started, we’ll practice an ancient yogic technique called the centering technique. I invite you to stand up if you can. Bring your palms to touch at your heart center. As you take a slow, deep breath in, reach your right arm all the way up and your left hand down by your navel, with all fingers pointing up toward the sky.

Exhale and slowly move your hand back to your heart center where they touch. Again inhale slowly, this time bringing your left hand straight up to the sky and your right hand by your navel. 

Exhale, and slowly move your hands like they’re moving through honey back to the heart center. 

One more time on the right side. Inhale, reaching the right arm straight up, left hand down by navel. Exhale, slowly bring the hands back to the heart. Feel the palms touching. Your breath is natural.

Go ahead and have a seat if you’re standing.

You can use this very effective technique anytime of day, as many times as you like to feel more centered, balanced, calm, and grounded. If you need a visual reference, please see the video that corresponds with today’s lesson.

When we change our physicality, we change our state. Often our emotional state can be seen physically. Imagine someone, in the privacy of their own home, who feels depressed: Are their shoulders forward or back? Probably forward, right? Are they standing tall or hunched forward? Likely hunched forward.

And now imagine someone who feels absolutely overjoyed. You’re probably already seeing the difference — chest broad, maybe even arms open, a big smile, a sense of aliveness or power in their body.

Now here’s what’s fascinating about this: Research shows that simply changing the position of your body can change your brain’s chemistry. Meaning, changing your body position can actually shift your emotional and mental state. 

A good example of this is power poses. Power poses are body positions that when held for approximately two minutes can boost feelings of confidence, empowerment, and positivity. 

Let’s try one now. Reach your arms out wide and up toward the sky, like you just ran through the finish line of a race and came in first place. Feel your chest open wide, and your breath full and deep. 

Does this feel similar to your body position and feelings from a moment ago? Or does it feel like a different behavioral pattern altogether? 

I invite you to pause this recording, and hold this pose for the next minute or two to have the full experience. 

Welcome back. How was that? Maybe your arms and shoulders got a little tired, but do you notice any difference inside? 

Another powerful way to shift negative thinking is to use pattern interrupt techniques. A pattern interrupt is doing something that causes a sudden and complete shift in consciousness.

For example, imagine you’re in a heated argument with someone. You feel really angry. You’re expecting them to yell at you when, instead, they start laughing hysterically to the point of being hunched over in deep belly laughs, unable to talk. This is such drastically different behavior that it throws you off. You shift from feeling angry to confused, maybe disarmed, or even laughing with them. 

This is an example of a spontaneous pattern interrupt, but we can also consciously create this kind of shift within our own being. Let’s give it a try. 

Like anything in life, the more you give yourself fully to this experience, the more you will get out of it. It’s okay to feel awkward or a bit uncomfortable — that’s how we know we’re shaking up the old patterns to make room for the new.

Without adjusting your position, notice how you are holding your body right now. There’s no need to judge yourself. Our bodies hold patterns for many reasons: emotions we’re feeling, protection mechanisms, learned behavior. So just notice. What thoughts and emotions are present?

Great. Now in a moment, I’m going to invite you to stand up, or even jump up if you can, and wiggle and shake your body like spiders have just crawled down your shirt and pants. For this to be most effective, making sound is also important. Yell, scream, giggle loudly, use your voice to shake things up.

Okay. On the count of three: One. Two. Three. 

Go for it! Wiggle, shake, and yell or squeal like a hundred spiders are crawling around on your skin. Give it your full energy. Move your body, use your voice in a big way, maybe even a new way. Keep moving. Just a few more seconds.

Make some loud sounds. Shake, shake it up. Now stop.

Stand tall, and be perfectly still. The body is relaxed and also perfectly still.

Feel your breath. Feel your feet. What has shifted inside? What is the quality of your thoughts? Have they changed? What is the quality of your emotions? What is different?

Fantastic. Take your seat. Have a sip of water. If you didn’t feel a significant shift from this technique, no problem. The more you get out of your head, into your body, and really go for it with your movements and voice, the more a shift will occur. 

You can use this technique anytime to help break negative mental loops. 

Another powerful technique using your voice is to speak to negative thoughts. With power and volume in your voice you can say, “Stop” or “You have no power over me” or “I empower myself to choose positivity.” Say anything that helps you feel that you are the one in power. 

You can also use humor to disarm this negative voice. You might make sounds of gibberish or say things that sound like absolute nonsense. “Puffy grapefruit unicorns!” This may seem ridiculous, but I guarantee you will be pleasantly surprised by how well it can work. If you’re in an environment like the bus, work, or a family meal where this is inappropriate, you can use the same amount of power but say it silently in your mind. 

I invite you to choose one of the pattern interrupt techniques from today to use on a daily basis. Notice your mind and how you feel before using the technique and then how you feel afterward. I invite you to journal about your experiences. 

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we looked at the power of using our bodies to break patterns of negative self-talk. Today we’ll use different journaling techniques to develop greater awareness of what is really going on inside, help alleviate stress, and release built-up emotion. 

Journaling has many benefits. It can reduce stress and anxiety, strengthen memory, help us find inspiration and achieve our goals, gain self-confidence, and much more. 

We can think of journaling as a way to get to know ourselves better, to uncover lost secrets and even treasure within. What do I mean by this? Well, in the busyness of our lives, periods of struggling and striving, focusing on advancement at work, or maybe just getting through the day, it’s easy to forget our dreams and inspirations and overlook our deeper feelings. 

For some of us, accessing our deeper feelings or admitting that we are still holding on to certain pains or fears may feel overwhelming. If at any time during this course you feel like you need to pause or even stop an exercise, that is perfectly okay. This is your journey, and you are the captain of this ship. 

Now, you might be wondering what journaling and buried feelings have to do with negative self-talk. Well, we already explored the origins of negative self-talk, but sometimes we need to go deeper than intellectual understanding to make a shift in our lives.

The journey of growth and healing is like peeling layers of an onion. The awareness of these thoughts is like the top layer. The exploration of their origins, another layer. The behaviors we’ve developed because of them, another, and so on.

Journaling can help us peel the layers, creating greater understanding of our thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors and give us a safe space to work through any pain or discomfort that arises. 

There are many ways to journal. People have journals for dreams, gratitude, food logs, venting, life visions and more. 

To support us in breaking habits of negative self-talk, we will practice two types of journaling today: stream-of-consciousness journaling and gratitude journaling. Stream-of-consciousness journaling is when we write completely uncensored, meaning writing your thoughts as they arise. The words and thoughts don’t need to make sense. This is a great way to take the lid off of pent-up emotions and even find deep truths within.

There are many ways to practice gratitude journaling. It is a powerful technique to help to retrain the mind and rewire the brain for more positive thinking. 

Let’s start with stream of consciousness. I invite you to take out your journal and something to write with. Remember, this is about letting it all hang out. You don’t even need to understand what the thoughts mean. Allow your mind to flow.

It can feel difficult to get going, so I’ll offer a few prompts. Write on any or all that you feel called to. 

• I feel angry/sad/afraid because…

• How I really feel about X is…

• What I need is…

[Feel free to pause this recording to give yourself as much time as you need here.] 

Very good. Set anything you’re holding to the side. Take a slow, deep breath in, and exhale through the mouth.

What are you becoming aware of? Were you surprised by anything that came up when you wrote freely? Notice what you’re feeling in your body. 

The more we suppress our unwanted emotional experiences or hold onto stories and thoughts of past hurts and regrets, the more our inner world is in turmoil. You know how it’s difficult to smile when you feel sad or upset? Or to say something nice to someone you’re mad at? If you’re getting caught in negative self-talk, it’s quite likely that your inner world is in distress. 

You can use this journaling technique as often as you like to help to release bottled-up emotion and gain insight into what is happening in your mind. 

Now let’s move onto the second technique: gratitude journaling. 

Earlier we touched on these habits of negative self-talk being like programming. Sometimes we need to introduce new programming to move away from the old. Again, this might seem awkward at first, but I really invite you to go for it. 

Start by writing down something you have accomplished in the recent past, and write it like this:

I’m grateful that I…

It could be anything big or small.

I’m grateful I got out of bed.
I’m grateful I paid my bills.

I’m grateful I took a risk and went on that date.

Great. Now in the same format, write something else down that you accomplished. 

You’re doing great.

Now think of something you appreciate about yourself, and write it down like this: I am grateful…

You might write: 

I’m grateful for my big heart.

I’m grateful I speak honestly.

I’m grateful I keep showing up even though it’s difficult.

I’m grateful for my creativity. 

For these next few minutes, write down every big or small thing you are grateful for about yourself. Again, feel free to pause this recording to give yourself as much time as you need. 

You can set your journal aside. How was that for you? 

Remember, it’s quite common for this to feel uncomfortable in the beginning. So many of us were taught that praising ourselves is selfish, arrogant, or simply wrong. But having gratitude for ourselves is a cornerstone of living a peaceful and fulfilling life. 

There are clearly many benefits of journaling on a regular basis, so how can we make it a habit?

1. Buy a new journal. Some like to have different journals for different topics: gratitude, relationships, venting/stress, etc.

2. Commit to 5–10 minutes of journaling a day.

3. Choose a time each day you will journal.

4. Combine journaling with a preexisting habit — this is a great technique for introducing any new habit. For example, you could make an agreement with yourself that you will journal right before you get in bed each night.

5. Don’t pressure yourself to write about anything specific, and don’t beat yourself up if you fall off track or don’t journal regularly. If you can’t journal every day, be realistic and only commit to two or three days a week. It can be helpful to choose which days.

I invite you to choose some days and times each week that you would like to journal. After each journaling session, take note of how you feel. Is there a sense of relief? Have the patterns of thought shifted? Maybe you find yourself more involved in your emotions now that you are facing your inner world. Remember, there is no one way or right way to have an experience. 

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we used the practice of journaling to develop greater awareness of what is really going on inside, help alleviate stress, and release built-up emotion. 

Today we’ll look at how our emotions impact our thoughts, and practice tending to our emotions in a way that frees us and shifts our thinking. (practice a technique to be able to tend to our emotions in a healthy way. )

Emotions are a natural part of life. And although it’s common to label them as good and bad, there are no bad emotions. 

Emotion is energy in motion. Emotions come and go. They are a temporary experience in our lives. Sometimes they are like messengers letting us know it’s time to slow down or it’s time to stand up for ourselves. 

Emotions are the richest part of the human experience. They are one of the driving forces behind human behavior, and yet we have little to no education about them! Until recently, it was rare for one to be exposed to emotional intelligence teachings as a child, and even more rare to learn to feel our emotions in a healthy way.

So how does this tie into negative self-talk? Sometimes negative self-talk arises because we are avoiding feeling emotional pain. Rather than sitting with ourselves compassionately and allowing the emotion to come to the surface, we get caught in thoughts that keep us from acknowledging how we truly feel. 

Sometimes the thoughts distracting us from feeling sound like, “I don’t like my hair, I need to change it,” or “I need to lose weight.” The mind looks for things to fix or change, so we feel more in control. Sometimes the mind will loop a thought like, “I don’t feel good” or “I’m all alone,” perpetuating emotional pain.

Now you might be wondering how thinking “I’m all alone” somehow distracts you from feeling pain. Unlike watching a funny movie or having a few drinks with friends, both of which can be coping or suppression mechanisms, it doesn’t completely turn our attention away from emotional discomfort, but it does keep us mentally focused. 

A common response to feeling emotional distress is trying to think of a solution, of a way out of the pain. But you can’t think your way out of an emotion. You can only feel your way through it. 

Getting caught in negative self-talk may not stop what we feel, but it keeps us in mental loops that prevent us from having to truly be with our emotional experiences. 

So let’s practice a technique to help us have a healthier relationship to our emotions.

I invite you to sit comfortably and close your eyes. Let’s take a few deep breaths together. Feel your body relaxing with each exhalation. Allow there to be a space between your teeth and lips. Feel your jaw and throat softening. 

Become aware of the sensations in your body. What emotions are present? Remember there are no bad emotions. They may be uncomfortable, but it’s okay to feel them. Tending to our emotions can be a doorway to healing within ourselves. 

And it’s okay if you can’t name the feeling. Notice where there is tightness, heaviness, or other strong sensations in the body.

Place your upturned palms in one another, creating a cuplike shape with your hands. Rest them near the bottom of your belly. 

Continue to feel whatever painful or uncomfortable emotions are present. Feel like this emotional pain is beginning to pour out of your body and into your hands. The fear. Anger. Sadness. Shame. Even numbness. Whatever is arising for you right now, feel it pouring into your upturned palms. 

Feel this emotional energy in your hands. Feel the weight of it.

Now bring your awareness to your heart center in your chest. Take a deep breath, and imagine that your heart is brighter than the sun, this exquisite light and warmth, radiating from your heart. 

Continue feeling the weight of this emotional energy in your hands, and as you feel ready, very, very slowly lift your upturned palms toward your heart. When you’re ready, turn your palms into the light of your heart. Feel this emotional energy being welcomed into the heart, bathed in light.

Just allow these feelings to be held in the light of the heart. Breathe deeply. 

We will do this one more time together. Slowly bring your cupped hands down to your belly. Allow whatever painful or uncomfortable emotion that is present to pour out into your hands. Feel the weight of emotion, fear, jealously, frustration pooling in your hands. It’s okay. Breathe deeply.

When you’re ready, slowly, mindfully, lift your cupped hands up to your heart. Pause in front of the heart. Feel, see the bright light, the warmth of the heart, and when you’re ready, slowly turn your palms into your heart, pouring all of this emotional energy into the light of your magnificent heart. Allow these emotions to be held, to be bathed in this light of warmth, kindness, and caring. 

Wonderful. As you wish, relax your hands, your belly, your chest and shoulders. Let’s take one more deep full breath in and out together...and slowly open the eyes. 

What do you notice inside? What are you feeling? What is the quality of your thoughts? Remember, there is no right way to have an experience. Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay.

Sometimes if an emotion feels very intense, one may need to revisit this meditation technique a few times before a shift is felt. The more we practice tending to our emotions in a healthy way, the more we will notice a freedom inside, not only in mind but in the body and emotions as well.

I invite you to practice this technique as often as you wish. You can use it when you get caught in negative self-talk, when you feel emotional distress, or as a daily maintenance tool. 

Releasing anxiety and Tension:

Make a mental checkmark if you can relate to any of these scenarios:

• Getting a poor night of sleep and having brain fog the next day.

• Eating sugar and having sad, depressed feelings and thoughts the next day.

• Drinking caffeine and feeling mentally scattered

All of these are examples of the body being out of balance and affecting the mind. Of course, this goes the other way too. If we eat really well, take supplements that support our brain health, get good rest, and so on, our ability to think clearly is enhanced. 

The more calm the body, the more calm the mind.

So, today we’re going to practice a simple yet powerful breathing technique to calm the nervous system and therefore the mind.

In yoga there are many ancient breathing, or pranayama, techniques that have a multitude of benefits. Today we’ll practice a technique called bee breath, or in Sanskrit, brahmari pranayama. Studies show it alleviates anxiety, reduces effects of stress and strain, and enhances overall physical and mental health. It is great for alleviating feelings of frustration and anger, reducing blood pressure, calming the mind and more.

In this technique, we exhale slowly while making a humming sound like that of a bee. These long, slow exhalations combined with the humming activate the vagus nerve, which has the ability to turn on the relaxation response in the nervous system. Traditionally we practice bee breath with hand gestures, or a mudra. If you would rather focus on the breathing alone, this is perfectly fine.

The emphasis of this technique is on long exhalations while humming. Many of us have habits of breathing shallowly, so you may need to gently engage your abdominal muscles to help press the breath out of the lungs. Another way to achieve this is by humming loudly. This will naturally engage these muscles. Your exhalation may not be as long as mine, and that is perfectly okay. Whatever you’re able to do today is great. 

Today we’ll practice this for 12 complete breaths with a brief pause after the first six. I’ll do the counting, so you can simply relax into the experience. 

I invite you to find a comfortable seated position.

Gently touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth, just behind your upper teeth. Feel your jaw relaxing down.

The mudra for bee breath supports closing off our senses of sight and sound to go deeper within. Gently rest your middle and ring fingers over your eyes, index fingers in the brow region, pinky fingers rest near the sides of the nostrils, and thumbs hover over the opening in the ears.

If you’re not taking the mudra, you may wish to have your hands relaxed on your lap with your palms facing upward. 

Lastly, if it’s comfortable, with your eyes closed, roll your gaze up between your eyebrows.

Let’s take a deep breath in, then exhale slowly through the nose. 

Inhale deeply, and as you exhale, begin humming and close off your sense of sound with your thumbs.

Six rounds

Breath naturally.

Be still.

Notice what is happening inside.

Six rounds

Beautiful.

Breathe naturally.

Be still.

The body is relaxed and still at the same time.

What are you aware of?

What is the quality of your thoughts?

Slowly begin to move the body.

Wiggle your toes.

When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes.

Although it is ideal to practice pranayama techniques on an empty stomach, bee breath can be used anytime of day to calm the body, emotions, and mind. If you catch yourself thinking unkind or judgmental things toward yourself, or another, you can use bee breath to come back to a more calm and centered state. 

I invite you to practice bee breath once a day until the end of our journey to support you having a more relaxed body and clear mind. 

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We will go even deeper into this exploration of the messages and emotions underneath negative self-talk.

Let’s begin today with the centering technique to bring greater presence and mental clarity.

Remember, if you can’t move your body, you can visualize this while consciously breathing and still benefit from it. 

I invite you to stand up if you can. Bring your palms to touch at your heart center. 

As you take a slow, deep breath in, reach your right arm all the way up and your left hand down by your navel, with all fingers pointing up toward the sky. Exhale and slowly, slowly move your hand back to your heart center where they touch.

Again inhale slowly, this time bringing your left hand straight up to the sky, and your right hand by your navel. Exhale, and slowly move your hands like they’re moving through honey back to the heart center. 

One more time on the right side. Inhale, reaching the right arm straight up, left hand down by navel. Exhale, slowly bring the hands back to the heart. Feel the palms touching. Your breath is natural.

Go ahead and have a seat if you’re standing.

By now, we can see that our emotions impact the quality of the thoughts we think. But how often do we look at negative self-talk as a surface manifestation of a deeper need? For many of us, the answer is never.

Think about it. Let’s say you have a poor night of sleep. Maybe you toss and turn with insomnia, or are up all night taking care of the baby. How do you feel the next morning? Are you chipper and happy and ready for a brand-new day? Or are you agitated, groggy, or exhausted? How are your thoughts after a night like this? More positive, grateful, inspired? Or more negative, complaining, wishing things were different than they are?

Make a mental checkmark if you can relate to any of these examples when the voice of negative self-talk is louder or more active:

• After a poor night of sleep.

• When you feel really hungry, or “hangry” as some like to say.

• Before your morning coffee.

• When you are in a certain part of your hormonal cycle.

If you can’t relate to any of these examples, I invite you to take on a little personal challenge of tracking negative self-talk as it relates to these kinds of behaviors or situations in your life. 

The negative thoughts we think are a mirror of our inner world. They show us the state of our physical well-being and emotions. Whether we are taking enough time for self-care, getting good sleep, tending to our emotions, or upholding our boundaries. 

One day I walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Immediately the thought “You’re so ugly” popped up in my mind.

By this time in my life, I was deep on the path of self-love, so rather than getting caught in thoughts about what I needed to change about my body, the thought that came to mind was, “Oh, my sweetheart. You must really be hurting to have a thought like that. What’s the matter?”

Wow. Can you imagine? After a lifetime of negative self-talk, this habit of thinking was met with a wave of compassion.

The moment the thought “You’re so ugly” arose, I could clearly see that part of me must be in pain to think in such a hurtful way, like someone who lashes out when they get their feelings hurt. So I placed my hand on my heart and compassionately inquired. I held space for the discomfort and emotion I was feeling, and got in touch with the deeper need for rest, patience, and kindness with myself. 

Ready to explore this for yourself?

I invite you to sit tall. Allow the eyes to close or your gaze to be relaxed if that is more comfortable. Relax the shoulders back and down. Allow a space between the teeth so the jaw can relax.

Take a few slow, deep breaths in and out. Become aware of your mind. 

Quite often the repetitive negative thoughts we have are just below the surface of our conscious minds. We aren’t even aware of what we are thinking until we slow down and gently inquire. 

Without judging your mind, notice the thoughts that are arising.

Maybe there is a very familiar thought that says, “I don’t like my belly” or “my nose” or some other part of the body. Or maybe the thought is about how you need to do things differently or try harder.

If your mind seems empty, I invite you to bring to mind a negative thought that you have regularly. Notice how you feel in your body as you become aware of one, or maybe a few, of these negative thoughts.

Now let’s go deeper.

Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe deeply. Feel your belly, your chest, softening into your palms.

Now, choose one thought to focus. I invite you to consider that underneath this thought is a deeper message of something within, an unmet need. 

There is part of you inside who is in need of kindness, who needs to be heard, who needs your presence. 

Take a deep breath in and out. Open your mind. Open your heart. And listen. What are the deeper needs behind this negative thought?

Is it (this negative thought) arising because you feel so much pressure from yourself to be a certain way? Is it because part of you is in pain, saying “I need more sleep”? “I need healthier eating habits”? “I need to respect myself and honor my own boundaries”?

Listen from your heart…

Very good. Take a slow, deep breath in, and sigh as you exhale. Slowly move your body, stretch, and if your eyes are closed, slowly open them. 

I invite you to take out your journal, and for these next few moments, write down all of the inner messages that may be underneath this negative thought.

Well done. Are you able to sense that although this inner work may be very uncomfortable at times, it is deeply rewarding? It is a path to greater freedom, happiness, and aliveness. 

I invite you to take some time each day to reflect on the deeper messages underneath negative thoughts, and then practice meeting yourself with compassion inquiry.

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When you’re caught in negative mental loops, first notice how your body is responding. Where are you tense? Tight? Achy? Then inquire with kindness, What is the deeper message behind these thoughts?

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we explored the deeper messages and emotions underneath negative self-talk. Today we will look at how having a daily meditation practice can reduce stress and support us in our journey.

Mediation has a range of benefits, from enhancing mental focus and creativity to activating the relaxation response in the nervous system. 

So many of us live our lives on autopilot, living so lost in thought or distracted that we are unaware of what is happening right in front of us. For example, have you ever driven home from work or been on a road trip, and only upon arriving at your destination did you realize you couldn’t remember how you got there? 

This lack of awareness contributes to the habitual thoughts and behaviors that continue to produce undesirable results, like the habits of negative self-talk we are addressing in this course.

Mediation is a highly effective tool for cultivating greater present-moment awareness, which ultimately leads to greater inner peace and well-being.

Studies have found meditation to thicken the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that manages higher-order brain functions, like increased awareness, concentration, and decision-making. With mediation, these higher-order functions become stronger, while lower-order brain activities, such as impulses and emotions like anger and fear, decrease.

This shows us that meditation can actually decrease activity in the part of the brain responsible for perpetuating negative self-talk.

Other benefits of meditation that are supportive for breaking habits of negative self-talk include:

• The reduction of stress, anxiety, and depression;

• Heightened empathy,

• Increased emotional intelligence,

• Increased compassion for self and others,

• And more.

Cultivating compassion for ourselves and others plays a huge role in breaking the habits of negative self-talk. We’ll get more into this in our next lesson. 

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, anxious, distracted, or generally discontent in your life, mediation may be the perfect tool to find greater inner well-being and enjoyment of this precious life experience. 

Meditation is so powerful that it can actually cause shifts in our awareness and perception. There have been so many times in my life when I felt really triggered by something, and meditation completely shifted my experience. 

One time I was caught in a mental loop of self-judgment for making a mistake. I felt knotted up in emotional and physical discomfort. I knew that meditating might help alleviate the pain I was feeling, so I sat down and closed my eyes. I placed my hands on my heart and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. I sat like this for some time. Feelings of compassion began to arise, as judgment and tension dissolved. 

When I opened my eyes, I felt more calm and at ease and had a completely different perspective of what had happened. It felt easier to accept myself for making a mistake and to remember that every mistake is a step forward on the path of growth.

Many of us over identify with our thoughts and emotions, which can prolong them and make them feel bigger than they are. Meditation has the power to create space between our thoughts and emotions and our responses to them, and even stop negative thinking habits.

If you’re new to meditation you might hold the common misconception that the goal of If you’re new to meditation you might hold the common misconception that the goal of meditation is to empty your mind, and that if you are thinking, you’re doing something wrong. I’m happy to say this is not true. 

Yes, we may have the experience of dropping into deep meditation where the mind is quiet, but this is not always the case. I have been meditating for over 25 years, and I still find that my mind is often active when I meditate. 

One reason we experience such discomfort mentally, emotionally, and physically when we sit to meditate is because slowing down in this way forces us to face ourselves — the thoughts, emotions, and physical discomfort that many of us spend our days trying to avoid. Although this may seem like the last thing you want to do, choosing to meditate and be with ourselves in this way is absolutely a path to greater healing, freedom, and inner peace. 

Let’s have a brief experience.

I invite you to sit comfortably and close the eyes. Feel your shoulders relaxing down. Allow a space between your teeth. Feel your jaw and throat softening. Consciously relax any gripping in the hands and feet or any part of the body where you feel this tension.

Slow your breathing down. Take full, deep inhalations and slow, complete exhalations. The body is settling with each breath.

Feel the sensations in your body. Set aside the need to judge. Practice noticing what you feel as if it is neither good nor bad. Notice tingling. Heaviness. Lightness. Even numbness. 

As you slowly inhale, hear the words I Am in your mind. And as you exhale, hear the word: Calm.

Inhale, I am.

Exhale, calm.

Feel the body relaxing a little more with each exhalation.

I am…calm…

Continue to repeat this in your mind for the next few moments. 

And it’s okay if there are thoughts competing for your attention or arguing with what you’re saying. Pay them no mind, as you gently focus on repeating: I am…calm.

Beautiful. Release the repetition. 

How does that feel? Do you notice any difference in your mind?

Meditating on a daily basis helps to manage stress levels and turn off the fight-or-flight response in the nervous system. This is especially helpful in our journey, as a relaxed nervous system leads to a relaxed mind. 

It takes 21 consecutive days of repeating something for it to become a habit, and approximately 66 days for the habit to feel more natural or like second nature. And even after that, for a habit to be maintained, we must continue to repeat it.

Let’s go over some helpful tips for making meditation a habit.

1.  Choose the same time each day to meditate. 

This could be at 7 a.m., when you wake up in the morning, or 5 p.m., when you get home from work. Some even commit to meditating twice a day, once in the morning to set them up for the day and once after work, or later in the day, to rest. 

1.  Choose a specific space in your home. 

Maybe you have a chair in your bedroom or a meditation cushion that you dedicate to your meditation practice. You may even like to have a little table with items on it that feel special to you, like an altar or a shrine. It might have pictures of your teachers or even of yourself, crystals, or items that feel special or sacred to you. Create this special space that is just for your meditation.

It is ideal to meditate out of bed. Some even meditate outside of the bedroom if they have the luxury of dedicating another room to it. Maybe you have a special room where you practice yoga, journal, meditate, and get creative. 

1.  Combine your meditation habit with a preexisting habit.

We touched on this in our lesson on journaling. Maybe you commit to meditating right after you brush your teeth in the morning or right after you walk in the door from work at the end of the day. Let this other habit support you following through with your decision to meditate at a regular time each day. 

I Invite you to start by choosing a regular time to meditate each day. You might start with just five minutes a day and that’s great. Choose something that feels accessible, rather than overwhelming. And then choose another habit that you do every day effortlessly that you can combine it with. 

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we will practice using compassion to cultivate greater peace of mind.

Compassion is a balm for the soul, a key to unlocking and releasing emotional and even physical pain. When we practice compassion, our hearts feel more free and our minds naturally generate more positive thoughts. 

The dictionary defines compassion as, “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Compassion is more than just empathizing with another’s experience. Unlike empathy, compassion increases activity in the brain’s reward center, releasing dopamine — which allows you to feel pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation — and oxytocin, the hormone associated with feelings of trust or assurance and love.

Research shows that there are numerous benefits of both self-compassion and compassion toward others including:

• a reduction in stress, 

• increased mental health and happiness, 

• improved medical outcomes, 

• increased social connectedness, and more. 

It also shows that people who are kind and compassionate have better physical and mental health and feel greater satisfaction with their lives.

It’s clear that compassion has many benefits, but how do we practice it? How do we embody it in our daily lives?

For anyone who is newer to this practice, we can start with empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to another’s experience. For example, let’s say I see that a coworker is having a challenging day, and I remember a time when I felt this way. I can understand and relate to the frustration they are experiencing. 

Compassion awakens deeper feelings of caring and even a desire to help them in some way. So rather than just relating to their experience, I now set my own feelings and judgments aside, and ask them how I can be supportive or simply do something kind for them.

Another way to embody compassion is to speak with kindness. Here is a way I practice this regularly:

Place a hand over your heart center, and allow yourself to feel any discomfort that is present: mental, emotional, or physical. If you’re feeling sad, afraid, or even angry, you can lovingly hold your heart and say, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s okay to feel. I accept you just as you are. I’m here. I’m here for you.”

Some other ways we can practice embodying compassion include:

• Apologizing when you’ve made a mistake.

• Listening without judgment.

• Offering to help others.

• Celebrate others’ success.

• Accepting people for who they are.

• Forgiving others for making mistakes.

When we practice compassion for others, we naturally feel more compassionate toward ourselves and vice versa. 

Let’s have an experience.

I invite you to sit comfortably, and close your eyes. If that isn’t comfortable, allow your gaze to be relaxed, looking down. 

Take a few slow, deep breaths in and out. Feel your body relaxing into the seat beneath you. Behind you. 

For many, having compassion for our own self is very difficult. We’ve been conditioned to think that self-care is selfish, that we should be punished for making mistakes, or that the outdated programming of the inner critic is true. 

I know without a doubt that you deserve compassion. Not because you’re perfect. None of us are. Not because of your good deeds.

You deserve compassion because you breathe. Because you exist.

And any argument against this is outdated thinking from generations of miseducation. You deserve love and compassion.

Imagine a small child crawling around the family room. They are so cute and clumsy, and accidentally knock a glass off of the coffee table. 

Are you going to judge them for making this mistake? Sure, maybe you have a moment of strong emotion because you liked that glass or you felt concerned for the child’s safety, but will you think there is something wrong with them? Will you see this as unforgivable?

No. You do not judge their mistake as who they are. You know they are learning. They are growing. 

And this is the truth for each of us. We will continue to make mistakes, grow, and learn throughout our entire lives. Not only up until a certain age, adulthood, or whatever you may have thought, but until our last breath.

In your mind’s eye, see a version of your current self standing across from you. 

What are you wearing? How is your body language? What is the expression on your face?

See everything you are going through in this moment, everything you are carrying inside. 

Maybe you’ve been having a challenging time in your relationship, or work has been difficult.

Maybe you’ve felt weighed down by the negative habits of the mind.

Can you extend some compassion to yourself for whatever you are going through?

Now see yourself as a teenager. What are you wearing? What are you feeling inside?

Remember this time in your life. Everything you went through impacted your life today, and there were times that weren’t easy.

Can you feel compassion toward this part of you and everything you went through?

Now imagine yourself as a small child. What are you wearing? What is the expression on your face? How are you feeling?

And it’s okay if there isn’t a clear image. You can also feel into this part of you as if they are across from you. 

Can you see this child’s innocence? Their tenderness? Maybe their unmet needs?

They deserved so much love, and they may not have received it.

See that everything you went through as a child has impacted your life. You may not have had significant challenges during this time of your life, but even feeling like your parents are too busy to play with you or feeling lonely can play a significant role in your development.

This child needs so much love. Can you extend your love and compassion to them now?

Beautiful. Thank this part of you in whatever way feels right. You may wish to welcome it into your heart.

Slowly stretch the body as you deepen the breath. And when you’re ready, open your eyes. 

What are you aware of inside?

What is the quality of your thoughts?

Are you starting to see how practicing compassion for yourself on a daily basis can shift habits of negative self-talk?

This compassion meditation may have felt challenging, which is perfectly normal. I invite you to return to it again and again to help cultivate greater compassion for yourself. 

I invite you to choose one or two of the compassion-building exercises mentioned earlier to take on for the next 24 hours. Afterward, journal on your experience, and then choose a different compassion exercise for the following 24 hours. 

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